Thursday, November 11, 2010

I like Big Lots and I Cannot Lie

So we fast forward to fall of 2006, where I was then married to Kelley, and my daughter, Natalie, was just over two years old.  She was just potty trained, and I was able to take her on shopping trips, with her walking at my side.  This particular day, Natalie and I went shopping in Big Lots.

As all mothers do at some point, I scared the hell out of Natalie by telling her about strangers.  Don't talk to strangers.  Be careful not to wander off, because someone might take you.  Stay by me, I will keep you safe.  The poor child was under the impression that everyone was out to get her.  She would point to each person in the store and say, "Are they going to take me?  How about her, is SHE going to take me?".

When I realized the error of my ways, I tried to comfort her, but she remained vigilant about keeping her hands on me at all times.  She would hook her fingers in my belt loops, or put her hands in my pockets.  All the while, I stumbled over her as I tried to walk down the aisles of the store.

As we approached the middle of the store, Natalie started getting a little wild, as most bored two year olds do.  So, she began to pull on my belt loops.  My hips would swing this way and that, and I tripped over my own feet trying to stay standing.  Then, it happened....

Natalie grabbed both back pockets of my jeans and swung  like a monkey.  I, having belt aversion, and jeans that were just a hair too loose, could not grab fast enough.  Yes, I was depantsed  in the middle of Big Lots.  I stood there in shock in my thong underwear, as I'm sure the video cameras were zooming in on the full moon in Aisle 6.

I quickly bent down to pull my jeans back up, but Natalie had a firm grip on the pockets.  She was laughing hysterically as she laid on the ground with a death grip on my jeans, and I was desperately pulling and tugging, trying to reclaim some dignity.  I was in panic mode.  I tried to turn around to get her, but I was unsuccessful and just looked like a dog chasing his tail.  At one point, I got up enough speed, that the centrifugal force was causing Natalie to catch a little air.

Finally, after raising my voice for her to LET GO, she complied.  I pulled my pants back up, and we immediately left the store.  Our basket of items remained.  I don't believe I went back there for almost a year. Though, I still wonder if they have that video tape.

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