It's That Time Again - Funny Dating Emails

Yes, I am on an online dating site....again....  Not that I'm in a hurry to date by any means, but I do enjoy getting to know new people.  If it turns to love, great.  If not, I'm happy as I am, so there's no loss in being "out there".  You can read my other dating emails HERE or HERE.

And by putting a profile on a dating site, I get some entertaining emails.  So, just as before, I will just copy and paste with no names attached....


"The good news is that I'm completely able to read a woman's mind and predict her moods! Just like Mel Gibson in that old movie. Cause you know, what guy on a dating website doesn't have that ability!"
(This is actually a quality that would be useful.  Unfortunately, most of my mind is warped.)


"I think we would have fun hanging out sometime. I know I don't have a picture but if you combined Chris Farley and Channing Tatum, that would be me."
(This made me laugh out loud.  I'm still trying to come up with a mental image of what this guy looks like.)


"I cook! My dad says i'll make a great 1950's housewife for some fine lady one day."
(This guy is hilarious.  Honestly, he would have looked great in an apron.)


"And while it is true i'm not 5'11- i bet i would be in the wonder woman boots"
(What is it with guys and wanting to dress like a woman??)


"Second, I did go on a date with someone from Match last week but we decided we were better off friends. She advised me about some things to change about my profile but I wanted to email you first-so you don't get lost in the shuffle after the ladies blow up my email once I make these changes! 
 If you have interest I am available for immediate delivery :-)"
(Hahahaha.  I was actually waiting patiently to read the new and improved profile....it never happened)



There were also some "not so nice" emails I received.  A couple of them were telling me that it looks like I just want a man to be my lap dog and do everything for me.  I had to laugh at that. If anyone knows me at all, it's that I do everything for myself.

I am also very picky about musical taste;  it says a lot more about a person than you think.  It can indicate political views, attitude, emotional stability, and a ton of other things. I would like to find someone with similar taste and appreciation for the type of music I frequently listen.  It's important to me.  With that said, I received this gem just yesterday....



"I happen to like Jimmy Buffett, so that means you don't respect me? You obviousl;y have a very
high opinon of yourself. I have a Ph.D. What's your educational background? How judgemental can you get?? Please don't respond. We have nothing in common. I pity the guy you do hook up with."
(I SO wanted to write back and tell him he spelled two words incorrectly. lol. Ok, I actually did tell him he spelled judgmental wrong.)



Anyway, back to funny ones.


"I have finally found a sexy sewer"
(For several seconds I thought, "A sewer?  Like an underground drain?  That makes no sense".  Then I realized he was saying sexy SEAMSTRESS.  Hahaha)


"I know, I know.....i look mad at the world and i need to smile! Im sorry! I really do smile just cant make myself when i take my own pics...."
(Yes, because handing the camera to someone else to take a smiley pic is too ridiculous, and you don't want girls thinking you're nice anyway.)


"I am 56 years old. Everything still works fine."
(Oh my God)


"And by God I have been a very good boy this year! So I am adding you to my Christmas list! So don't be a damn Scrooge!!!"
(But I'm so good at being a "damn" Scrooge!)


"You make all my other matches look like beggin strips"
(I actually wrote back and dated this one for a while.)


"Reading your profile I note that you state you are really good at rapping the theme song to Ghostbusters II. I have written a rap poem and want to find someone to rap it and place it on you tube. Would you be interested in such a task? As far as dating, though I am a bit more mature than your specified age range, if, after reading my profile, you are interested in further communication whether rapping and/or dating, I would be delighted to hear from you."
(Ok, so this is an OLD white guy that wrote a rap, that wants a super white girl with no rhythm to rap on youtube. Sounds like it can't go wrong at all.)


"I don't care about dating... Can I just follow you around for a while?"
(I know I have a nice butt, but this is a little weird)


"I went to School in Haverford and lived with my Aunt an Uncle"
(I was kind of waiting for this to turn into a Fresh Prince of Bel Aire type of thing, but it kind of fizzled there at the end.  It was also random, because I live five states away from Haverford.)


"Y'all's traffic sucks at 5:30"
(Good thing dates start after rush hour!  And really, what town doesn't have bad traffic at 5:30 on a Friday?)


"Awkward Silence!lol"
(Out of nowhere. lol)



Well, folks, that's all I have for now.  You KNOW I will keep a log and update you all soon.

Zoom!

Now the neighbors really drive slow past my house.  My daughter's birthday present is fully functional and just plain awesome.  We're having a blast!

I got in on some of the fun....

So did Eliah's speech therapist, physical therapist, home health aide, my friends, and the kids' grandfather.  The funniest was when I got my pest control guy up there.  He didn't want to check those termite bait traps anyway....

And my cable person....

I'd say, overall, the zipline was a great idea.  Now I've got to top it somehow.  

Happenstance Roid Issues and Pride

I have rarely ever been single. When I break up with someone, it's been completely normal for me to start a new long term relationship within a couple weeks. There has always been someone there for me, adopting the traditional masculine role of taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, etc.

From the age of ten, I believed that the 50's housewife was the dream job of a lifetime.  Cooking and cleaning all day....raising the children... waiting for my man to come home and praise my hard work...  Seriously, I truly believed that was the end all be all.

Well, as it turns out, the idea is utter crap.

I bust my ass. This isn't going to turn into a bitch fest about how much I do and how much praise I should receive for doing an enormous amount of work to maintain my home, my children....blah blah blah....  We get it.  Any single parent knows how extremely difficult it is.  Add my son's health condition as a bonus, and it's enough to make my head explode some days.

Getting to the point, a couple months ago, I felt like I was drowning.  The stress of stupid ex drama and court was getting to me.  The stress of responsibility was getting to me.  I was exhausted all the time.  I had to force myself to do anything. I started having aches and pains, and I just wanted to sleep.  Please just let me make it to bedtime. 

For months, from Sept of last year, I felt this feeling of breathlessness, not even being able to walk 20 feet without getting winded, not being able to get through reading a book aloud to Eliah.  I started having pain in my abdomen, and I thought my appendix was causing a problem.  By October, I was starting to have heart palpitations and I was losing my hair by handfuls in the shower.  Well, no wonder with all the stress in my life!

At the beginning of November, I was actually convinced that I was having a heart attack, and I drove myself to the ER.  I don't even have health insurance, but I was convinced something serious was going on. $10,000 later.... Nothing.  No heart attack. No appendicitis.

I continued to have the heart palpitations, but they increased.  By March, they were starting to affect my head.  I would feel a flutter in my heart, then all the blood would rush out of my head, and I wouldn't be able to see, all the while feeling like I'm going to faint.  Not really safe for carrying around Eliah.

Then, in April, when I went to fill my thyroid prescription, the same one I've been taking for 13 years wasn't available (in fact, it was recalled).  And they had no idea when it would be back in stock.  Oh no!  The ONLY medication I take, and something I depend on every day, is gone.  Every single thyroid replacement affects you differently, so you can't just switch on a whim.

After another couple hundred dollars to meet with a doctor, and having my thyroid tested again, I went to the pharmacy with a new prescription in hand.  I was about to try a generic of what I had been taking for over a decade, and it was scary to take that first pill, because I don't take any medication lightly.  All have side effects.

It's been over a month now on the new thyroid replacement, and the difference is HUGE.  I mean HUGE!  I feel like a different person completely.  No more palpitations.  No more breathlessness.  No more aches and pains.

Based on how I feel now, I think I have been exhausted for many years.  I have endless amounts of energy and motivation now.  Am I bragging?  Damn straight.  I feel great. I'm happy and it's showing in everything I do.  And that brings me back to the being single part.

In the past month, I have not only been single, but I haven't even been looking.  I'm enjoying my new found motivation.  What seemed so overwhelming to me before, now feels like I can handle it with ease.  I have patience, tolerance, and energy to do anything.

I'm building things in the back yard, like my son's wheelchair ramp.  I've cleaned out every closet in my house.  I've organized, scrubbed, and sanitized every inch of my house.  I cleaned out my garage.  I installed an invisible fence for the dog, that required me to dig a trench around the perimeter of my half-acre yard.  I took my car to the shop to get fixed. I mow the lawn, killed weeds and insects.  I recorded every single one of my son's favorite books on video for him.  I re-caulked my shower.  I built an aquarium from a pile of pieces I bought on craigslist.  I'm about to install a zip-line in the back yard as my daughter's birthday present, then build a standing platform for her to reach the handles.  The list goes on......

I feel happy, almost giddy inside.  The negative things that are going on in my life affect me only temporarily, and I get washed over with a sense of pride for myself and what I've accomplished.  I'm not looking and waiting for the male role to come along.  I can do most everything myself, and it feels amazing.

I'm not in a hurry.  I like the way things are going.  It's nice to focus on the things that are important to me.  It's nice to focus on me.  I wish this happened years ago, but right now is a good place to start.   Go me.

My expectations are the ones I create for myself, and I've got big ones! (yeah, that sounded wrong)