Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Online Dating Emails- The Best of the Worst

Since I've been single, dating has been a fun adventure.  I don't frequent bars, and I don't have co-workers that could set me up, so I've had to utilize online dating to meet local singles.  There are sites you pay to use, like Match.com and eHarmony, and even a couple free ones.  You set up a profile, describing yourself in essay form.  You list your statistics, like height, body type, hair color, kids/no kids.  Then, you add photos of yourself.

My profile pretty much looks like my Facebook page.  I use the same photos.  I have the same personality.  I say that I like sewing, cooking, eating bacon, and that music is a really big factor for me, especially taste in music.  I put it all out there, including the fact that I have a son with Cerebral Palsy.  If someone can deal with that, great.  If not, they are free to pass me over for someone with less complications in their life.

I try to show what I am really like.  I consider myself a needle in a haystack and I use that for a tagline when requested.  And when filling in the profile of what I'm good at doing, I say that I'm great at giving a special needs haircut and that I can rap the Ghostbusters II theme better than Bobby Brown.  You know, cause I really am good at that.  I just want to give an accurate representation of myself....crazy, fun, and full of myself (I do have a blog named Anncredible).

So I've been on a couple sites for about a month now, and I've been getting some interesting emails from potential suitors.  Most are pleasant, "My name is (blank), and I would love to get to know you better", or they ask a question about one of the photos, like, "Oh, skydiving, where did you do that?".  Then, I get some really interesting emails that either make me laugh or I just say, "huh?"   Here are a few of my favorites of the ones that made me stop and think, "Ummmm, wow"....

(Disclaimer:  There are no names, and I just copied and pasted emails from my inbox.  Some are just excerpts from longer emails.  They are in no particular order)

You pass for 21 in my book
(I wonder why I like this one)

What if I already had a special needs haircut
(I bet that's really sexy)

Im (name) normal as can be with own place 
car and job lot of crazys on here so i let you know.
(Yes, you don't sound like one of those crazies....not at all)

You look just like my second wife.... and I have only been married once ..... 
(har, har, har)

Dude you're pretty.....I don't expect you to respond BC this email sucks. I have to go and I don't have time to start over - take care
(This is my personal favorite.  Totally takes the cake.  Do I look like a dude?)

i take it your into a risky life style ha ha did i spell that right by the way thats a really good pic of you and im not being a perv
(I don't know which picture he was referring to, but if you're going to get all "perv" about skydiving or ziplining, then that's just weird)

 if properly courted, if you thought there was a chance that we could end up somewhere for dinner? My answer is absolutely. But i wanted to get your opinion...LOL...
(It actually took me a few times of reading this to figure out that he meant I would be courting HIM.)

What fool let you go. 

I'd say, I'm your needle, but, uh, maybe that isn't such a good thing to say to a woman....I was just on here trying to figure out how to nicely reply to the 2 55 year old biker chicks who wrote me
(I actually got a few on here about them wanting to be a needle in a haystack.  I really just have no response to that.)

So what's the youngest you've dated lately foxy Ann..?
(I can tell you that I'm not dating an 18 year old, buddy.  Go clean your room)

hw r u doin
(Just what I want, a man that cuts corners)

did i mention my name was Mozart da'Vinci and i have a small pig farm ?
(I really haven't figured this one out yet.  All I can think of when I read that he has a small pig farm, is that part in the movie Snatch, where the guy uses his pig farm to dispose of dead bodies.)

OmG! I don't know any of the bands you mentioned in your profile, but if I knew just one of their songs, I'd come hunt you down and play it for you!! Really LoUd, tOo! 
(Oh, good, someone offering to hunt me down.   And my kid with a sensory disorder would LOVE some REALLY LOUD music!)

Hi how are you where did you buy rug like turkish carpet
(Apparently, the man was drawn to the rug in the background of my photo.  Yo, buddy, this isn't a yard sale)

Knock knock anyonew there lol

You had a guy write your profile right? Lol
(Yes, because no woman could actually write something interesting, funny or true)

Man, i tell you! When i read that you liked sewing it just ran chills down my spine. 
Sooooo Romantic. LOL! And you chomping on some bacon. You are a man's dream woman
(At least someone appreciates that I can sew. Boy, the stuff you gotta do to impress a man)

 I have been told that i am a very funny guy and i smile all the time even
tho i am not in my pics i do have pic on my phone where i am smiling
(Yes, the one where I'm smiling is still on my phone, because I'm missing a couple teeth and didn't want to scare you off, so I put up all the ones where I look like I'm going to kill you instead.  They look way better.)

I'm sure I will have PLENTY more to share in the coming weeks.  But I just had to get these out so you could all appreciate what I see every day.  Now, bring on the crazies!

UPDATE:  You can see more crazy emails HERE or they get REALLY funny HERE!

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Eureka! (Then insert cussing of the worst kind)

I had a revelation last night around midnight.  The magnitude of this revelation came at me like a freight train, and by 2am, I worried and over-thunk myself into a panic.  Things always seem worse in the middle of the night, right?

Anyway, as I laid in bed, listening to the "creature" that has been creeping under my bedroom for the entire six months I've lived here....the same noise that awoke me from my slumbers and made me walk around my house with a knife on my first night alone in the house....the same noise that has prompted me to inspect the perimeter of my house numerous times, looking for an entrance....the same noise that I embarrassingly admit talking to like it's my friend and companion while I sleep...   I finally figured out what it is.  It came to me like a Dr. House epiphany.

I've heard this noise hundreds of times now.  It bangs under my bedroom for around an hour each night, sometimes more, about 11pm every time.  Then bangs again around 6am in the mornings.  Sometimes I hear it the middle of the day.  What is it, you ask?

It is not the sound of fuzzy bunnies or a cute neighborhood cat.  NO! It is the sound of two sump pumps!!  I knew they were there, but it never occurred to me that they would be running so much.  Do I have a river that flows under my house?  Geesh!

After a sleepless night of panic, thinking about all the possibilities of what is causing this, what damage is being done, and envisioning having to lift my entire house off the ground or having to dig up my entire yard, I am left with the same questions and worry upon sunrise.   Is the fire hydrant on the corner of my lot releasing water?  Are the neighbors' water lines leaking?  Are city pipes leaking?  What the hell is going on under there?  Am I getting a ton of mold growing under my house?  Is this going to affect the kids?  Am I going to be on the news?  <---- hehehe

Okay, so where do I go from here?  Who am I supposed to call about this?