Thursday, April 26, 2012

Eureka Shmureka.....

It is not the sump pumps making the noise under my bedroom at night.  I am now back to thinking that it is something living under there.  Sometimes, it bangs so loudly that my bedroom window shakes.  It has to be large, whatever it is.

I still have no clue what, but at least I wasn't talking to the sump pumps!  

Monday, April 23, 2012

MORE! Bad Online Dating Emails....

If you haven't read my post about getting some unusual emails from my online dating adventure, you should go back and read it.   If you HAVE read that post, you will appreciate this new round of peculiar and not so wonderful emails.  I have so many favorites now.

Like before, I have just copied and pasted these emails.  Some are just a portion of a larger email.  But here goes....

I don't like to date.  
Good thing you're on a dating site!

I'm not sure why I'm sending u a message.
Let me know when you figure that out, since I have no idea how to respond.  

Are you up for a movie tonight????
We can go to see one or I have about 25 on my computer...
I don't know what kind of movies you have on your computer, but I'm a little leery about spending the evening in front of someone's laptop. lol

wow!! u sound like a pain in the ass :)
Ha!  This tells me that I have accurately represented myself in profile form

let me know if you'd be interested to meet sometime for some bacon..
All my bacon loving friends will love this...and it was quite tempting. hahaha

you so gargouse you out of my legue.
I don't know what to say to this??? This is so bad that I think it would be wrong to make fun of it.

You remind me of someone I should know
Ha ha ha.  This was actually pretty funny.  Didn't work, but funny.

do you write music lyrics by chance? 
I play guitar and write songs, but lyrics are always the hardest part for me. 
Need resl mushy, there's a tear in my beer lyrics! 
Okay, here is where I wonder what I have said in my profile that leads someone to believe that I am someone that will write country music lyrics.  And are you trying to date me or hire me?

i may not be your type im crazy but i dont do cart wheels ha ha
Ooh, a crazy man with no punctuation....JUST what I was looking for!  Sorry, buddy, if you can't do a cartwheel, it's a dealbreaker.  

i have no luck with just to shy and submissive..
i think i would be a better match with men...but would that be so bad? ;)
I wonder if he would be interested in my ex?  Hahahaha  (I'm kidding...or am I?)

Hey you! would like to talk to some of you! :)))
I'm wondering if this man is drunk and seeing more than one of me...or maybe he thinks there's a different girl in each photo. 

Okay, okay, that is all I have.  Hope you enjoyed taking a peek into my email inbox.   Here are more... 

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Online Dating Emails- The Best of the Worst

Since I've been single, dating has been a fun adventure.  I don't frequent bars, and I don't have co-workers that could set me up, so I've had to utilize online dating to meet local singles.  There are sites you pay to use, like and eHarmony, and even a couple free ones.  You set up a profile, describing yourself in essay form.  You list your statistics, like height, body type, hair color, kids/no kids.  Then, you add photos of yourself.

My profile pretty much looks like my Facebook page.  I use the same photos.  I have the same personality.  I say that I like sewing, cooking, eating bacon, and that music is a really big factor for me, especially taste in music.  I put it all out there, including the fact that I have a son with Cerebral Palsy.  If someone can deal with that, great.  If not, they are free to pass me over for someone with less complications in their life.

I try to show what I am really like.  I consider myself a needle in a haystack and I use that for a tagline when requested.  And when filling in the profile of what I'm good at doing, I say that I'm great at giving a special needs haircut and that I can rap the Ghostbusters II theme better than Bobby Brown.  You know, cause I really am good at that.  I just want to give an accurate representation of myself....crazy, fun, and full of myself (I do have a blog named Anncredible).

So I've been on a couple sites for about a month now, and I've been getting some interesting emails from potential suitors.  Most are pleasant, "My name is (blank), and I would love to get to know you better", or they ask a question about one of the photos, like, "Oh, skydiving, where did you do that?".  Then, I get some really interesting emails that either make me laugh or I just say, "huh?"   Here are a few of my favorites of the ones that made me stop and think, "Ummmm, wow"....

(Disclaimer:  There are no names, and I just copied and pasted emails from my inbox.  Some are just excerpts from longer emails.  They are in no particular order)

You pass for 21 in my book
(I wonder why I like this one)

What if I already had a special needs haircut
(I bet that's really sexy)

Im (name) normal as can be with own place 
car and job lot of crazys on here so i let you know.
(Yes, you don't sound like one of those crazies....not at all)

You look just like my second wife.... and I have only been married once ..... 
(har, har, har)

Dude you're pretty.....I don't expect you to respond BC this email sucks. I have to go and I don't have time to start over - take care
(This is my personal favorite.  Totally takes the cake.  Do I look like a dude?)

i take it your into a risky life style ha ha did i spell that right by the way thats a really good pic of you and im not being a perv
(I don't know which picture he was referring to, but if you're going to get all "perv" about skydiving or ziplining, then that's just weird)

 if properly courted, if you thought there was a chance that we could end up somewhere for dinner? My answer is absolutely. But i wanted to get your opinion...LOL...
(It actually took me a few times of reading this to figure out that he meant I would be courting HIM.)

What fool let you go. 

I'd say, I'm your needle, but, uh, maybe that isn't such a good thing to say to a woman....I was just on here trying to figure out how to nicely reply to the 2 55 year old biker chicks who wrote me
(I actually got a few on here about them wanting to be a needle in a haystack.  I really just have no response to that.)

So what's the youngest you've dated lately foxy Ann..?
(I can tell you that I'm not dating an 18 year old, buddy.  Go clean your room)

hw r u doin
(Just what I want, a man that cuts corners)

did i mention my name was Mozart da'Vinci and i have a small pig farm ?
(I really haven't figured this one out yet.  All I can think of when I read that he has a small pig farm, is that part in the movie Snatch, where the guy uses his pig farm to dispose of dead bodies.)

OmG! I don't know any of the bands you mentioned in your profile, but if I knew just one of their songs, I'd come hunt you down and play it for you!! Really LoUd, tOo! 
(Oh, good, someone offering to hunt me down.   And my kid with a sensory disorder would LOVE some REALLY LOUD music!)

Hi how are you where did you buy rug like turkish carpet
(Apparently, the man was drawn to the rug in the background of my photo.  Yo, buddy, this isn't a yard sale)

Knock knock anyonew there lol

You had a guy write your profile right? Lol
(Yes, because no woman could actually write something interesting, funny or true)

Man, i tell you! When i read that you liked sewing it just ran chills down my spine. 
Sooooo Romantic. LOL! And you chomping on some bacon. You are a man's dream woman
(At least someone appreciates that I can sew. Boy, the stuff you gotta do to impress a man)

 I have been told that i am a very funny guy and i smile all the time even
tho i am not in my pics i do have pic on my phone where i am smiling
(Yes, the one where I'm smiling is still on my phone, because I'm missing a couple teeth and didn't want to scare you off, so I put up all the ones where I look like I'm going to kill you instead.  They look way better.)

I'm sure I will have PLENTY more to share in the coming weeks.  But I just had to get these out so you could all appreciate what I see every day.  Now, bring on the crazies!

UPDATE:  You can see more crazy emails HERE or they get REALLY funny HERE!

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Eureka! (Then insert cussing of the worst kind)

I had a revelation last night around midnight.  The magnitude of this revelation came at me like a freight train, and by 2am, I worried and over-thunk myself into a panic.  Things always seem worse in the middle of the night, right?

Anyway, as I laid in bed, listening to the "creature" that has been creeping under my bedroom for the entire six months I've lived here....the same noise that awoke me from my slumbers and made me walk around my house with a knife on my first night alone in the house....the same noise that has prompted me to inspect the perimeter of my house numerous times, looking for an entrance....the same noise that I embarrassingly admit talking to like it's my friend and companion while I sleep...   I finally figured out what it is.  It came to me like a Dr. House epiphany.

I've heard this noise hundreds of times now.  It bangs under my bedroom for around an hour each night, sometimes more, about 11pm every time.  Then bangs again around 6am in the mornings.  Sometimes I hear it the middle of the day.  What is it, you ask?

It is not the sound of fuzzy bunnies or a cute neighborhood cat.  NO! It is the sound of two sump pumps!!  I knew they were there, but it never occurred to me that they would be running so much.  Do I have a river that flows under my house?  Geesh!

After a sleepless night of panic, thinking about all the possibilities of what is causing this, what damage is being done, and envisioning having to lift my entire house off the ground or having to dig up my entire yard, I am left with the same questions and worry upon sunrise.   Is the fire hydrant on the corner of my lot releasing water?  Are the neighbors' water lines leaking?  Are city pipes leaking?  What the hell is going on under there?  Am I getting a ton of mold growing under my house?  Is this going to affect the kids?  Am I going to be on the news?  <---- hehehe

Okay, so where do I go from here?  Who am I supposed to call about this?

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Solicit THIS! Update

Solicitors from the Fellowship Baptist Church rang the doorbell a moment ago.  I answered the door in a medical mask. 

Me:  I'm sorry, I have a disabled son that is sleeping. 
Woman with look of horror: Oh, do you have a problem? (pointing to the mask)
Me: He's very ill and I can't....
Woman:  Okay, well we won't disturb you, so take this brochure.  (I picked it up by the very corner like it was biohazard)

I didn't have time for the gloves and ketchup, but I feel I made those ladies very uncomfortable.  Score 1 for me.  Next time I will be better prepared. 

Monday, January 23, 2012

Solicit THIS!

Ever since I moved into this house over four months ago, I've had a numerous amount of door-to-door solicitors.  This appears to be one of those neighborhoods that begs for someone to start ringing doorbells.  I've had Safelite Autoglass stop by about once a month.  I've had an Edward Jones agent come by. I've had the First Baptist Church come by twice.   Kids needing sponsoring....Kids selling candy....And even neighbors wanting me to join the "Community Group" meeting that's held once a month.  It seems like the doorbell rings every day. 

At first I thought, I will just get a "No Soliciting" sign at Lowe's and put it on the door.  It's easy, cheap and effective.  But where's the fun in that?  No, I'm thinking I should have a little fun with these folks. 

I have always been in sales, so I realize how intimidating and scary it can be walking up to some one's door.  You don't want to disturb anyone, but at the same time, you really need to meet that sales quota.  Why not make them even more uncomfortable?  Now THAT would be fun.

As I'm putting my brain to work, trying to figure out what to do, I realize, "Hey, I have a ton of medical supplies".  I have surgical masks...and rubber gloves....and syringes....  Now if only I had a red hazard sign... oh wait, I DO! 

So, next time someone rings the doorbell, I'm going to suit up and head for the door, holding a syringe and red disposable hazard bag.  I can't wait to see the look on that person's face.  Hmm, maybe I should be holding a camera too? 

That gives me another idea.  I should just open the door and just start clicking the camera and taking photos of them.  What could they say, they're on my property, right? 

Someone suggested that I have my own products handy to try to sell in return.  "Hello, thank you for stopping by, let me tell you about this great 'new to you' pair of shoes.  They are gently worn and have a slight odor, but have already been broken in and match most anything.  They're only $50 a month.  Or how about this collection of wine bottle corks?  They have been aged and assembled from the finest selection of Walmart and Trader Joes brand wine.  You can buy them for the low price of $1 per cork, or 6 for $5.  Or let me tell you about what we're serving today.  Mmm, mmm, you will love this week old meatloaf.  The solidified grease and chewy glaze make the perfect combination to tantalize your taste buds.  Served in a ziplock for your ease of eating without utensils.  This delight is $17 today only."  I wonder if I can fit in a "But wait!  There's more!" somewhere. 

I can only imagine the looks on people's faces.  Stay tuned to find out how it goes.  And please, feel free to suggest other ideas.