For the past couple years, I have been travelling in the barrel of a giant wave, trying to keep my balance and sanity. I've been teetering back and forth, caring for the kids, struggling with my ex, and trying to maintain a personal life of my own. It hasn't been easy, but I have been patient, and kept my head up, looking for wonderful things towards the horizon.
Today, this emornmous wave has crashed down upon me. I have just been diagnosed with an agressive form of breast cancer. It has already spread, and I am still awaiting more testing to determine the extent. The bottom line is, it was not caught early. It's an awful feeling to know that something so destructive has been growing inside my body.
I am tumbling, gasping for air, and feel the full force of the shock. A million questions race through my mind. Could it have been diagnosed sooner? How long will I live? Will the children understand? How will I have enough energy to fight this when I barely make it through a day as it is? Am I strong enough? If I'm not strong enough, will I feel like I've failed my family?
I'm not sad. I trust that God has a plan. The only fear I have is of the things I do not know yet. But I know the answers will come in time.
As my friends, if you don't know what to do or say, maybe I can provide some insight. It's wonderful to hear that you're there to help. That's all I want or need. I don't know the answers to a lot of questions being asked right now. And I feel like I'm doing a lot of stuff to make other people feel okay about my cancer. "Don't worry, I'll be fine." Honestly, I really don't know how it's going to turn out.
I don't have energy to talk to the many survivors that people are offering. It's kind and generous to offer, but it's so stressful to me to try and make time for more people. I can barely keep up. I need time to process what is going on. I need time to wallow, for at least a moment, in what is taking over my body. I need time to figure out what my plans are, the what ifs, the challenges. I just need time and support.
If you are going to pray, pray for one thing only, strength. I do not question God's plan or ask him to change the course of my life. I trust that he knows what he's doing. I just ask that I am strong enough to handle what he gives.
This has been a relentless storm. I have taken a beating over and over, and I wasn't even standing upright yet when I was hit again. But I will fight as hard as I have to, for as long as I can. After all, I did say I was Anncredible.
Noooooooo flippin WAYYYYY! Oh my GOSH ann! I wish I weren't so far away! But I am just a chat away... through the storm... oh my gosh I'm just flabbergasted!
ReplyDeleteJen Cameron
Ann, So sorry to hear this news:( I'm glad you are focusing on God's plan and keeping as upbeat as possible. As previously offered, I too can connect you to a recent survivor, so if need be FB me. You have been through a lot and for whatever reason God is putting you through more. One verse come to mind: Philippians 4:13 "I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." Also, stay connected with a strong Bible teaching church. God's people are called to bear one another's burdens. Life is not meant to be a solo event. We need good people along side of us. Praying for your strength and wisdom as you seek different treatment options.
ReplyDeleteDrew Casner
Ann, you've never met me, but I learned about you via Lisa. I'm a member of her Sept 98 board. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers and I will pray for strength for the journey.
ReplyDeleteRita
Ann, I am also friends with your sister and I know you are a warrior and this is a bump in the road for you. You have the power. I am a firm believer in "The Secret." I'm sending out healing vibes into the universe for you. Much Love!
ReplyDeleteDana
Ann,
ReplyDeleteI'm also a friend of Lisa's from the Sept98 board......we are kind of like a "gang". :-)
You are in my thoughts and prayers as you start on this journey.
Heather W
Another supporter who ended up here because of Lisa - we are kind of a "gang" - or even an extended family, and we want to help Lisa and your loved ones surround and support you with so much love and strength and prayer and courage to do whatever you need to do. I believe you are strong and brave, even if you feel weak and powerless. You have the ability to speak up about your feelings, to be open and honest even when it hurts. And that, Anncredible, is courage.
ReplyDeleteAnn
ReplyDeleteWhen Lisa let us know about you when all jumped on board "98 moms board" to support her and to support you. We have been though good and bad and we have stuck together no matter what. We are all here to support you on your journey. We may not be close to you but our group has an amazing way of getting things done no matter the distance.
Hugs Anncredible talk to you soon
Michele
Ann, I am sending hugs and prayers to you and your precious children. I wish you strength for this journey & please know you are never alone. Out of all Lisa's Sept 98 friends, I think I live closest to you - not sure where in SC you are, but I am 2.5 hours from Charlotte NC. I can and will come to help out whenever it is needed, just say the word.
ReplyDeleteMary T.
Another Sept 98 friend of Lisa's. I don't know what the purpose of this journey is for you but it does sound like cancer has chosen the wrong family to mess with. Please know we are here to help you be strong and be your cheerleaders.Much love to you and your babies and let us know what we can do to help get you healthy asap!
ReplyDeleteYou are Anncredible. You are super and I completely get the life of a single mom of a child with a disability, dealing with the ex and trying to make ends meet. AND....Not even be able to pee on the potty ALONE without the dog and son busting on in. And as a mother in general, somehow it becomes a luxury to grocery shop alone (and I hate grocery shopping!). Just the ability to think from one isle to the next and actually USE the coupons you brought with you, oh the joy! lol Being a single mother makes you so gateful for the small things. And I think about this often as I hide in the coat closet eating my last piece of chocolate, before the dog smells me out! But you're right Ann. You never have been the victim, and you can't be now, gal. Each of us writing you here on this board...none of us knows what tomorrow holds for us. We have no idea if today is our last. In in a sense, we are all here, together, to rally you , ourselves, and as uncertain as the future may be for any of us, we lift you and each of up in prayer and in support because we all have "our fights" that we are either enduring now, have, or will endure in the very near future. You are loved. You are strong. Most importantly, and I can tell you already know this, you have the power of the Holy Spirit that dwells within you. It is obvious with your blog, the Holy Spirit has been fully activated in you woman. Go ahead sister. We're right behind you. God is right beside you, always. I will be following you and have shared you on my facebook and will continue to do so. You already have so many praying for you than you realize. Theresa
ReplyDeleteAnncredible!
ReplyDeleteI was brought here by a mutual friend Maria. You are a strong woman! I was in awe reading your thoughts. I am a mom of a special needs child myself and if you ever need any help, please do not hesitate to get in touch with me. I can be a lending ear, a helping hand or a friend.