Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Happy New Year

I awoke this morning with one large gasp for air, as if someone had been holding my nose and mouth, not allowing me to breathe.  Covered in sweat, and a burning in my chest that stretched all the way up my throat into my teeth and ears.  My body is in so much pain,  I can hardly move.  My feet feel like I've been holding them over a fire, and as I reach down to rip my socks off, the pain in my back and neck are almost unbearable.  I feel like I've been hit by a bus.  

And as I lay here for what seems like an eternity, trying not to move for fear of that pain again, all I can think about is, "How can this happen to children?"  How do they endure it?  If this cancer is somehow Karma for anything I've done in my past, how could God inflict the same on a child?  The worse I feel, the more my heart aches for those that have been through this torture.  And I can't even imagine the devastation that people feel when these chemotherapy measures stop working.  The endurance, stamina and mental fortitude required to withstand this chemical beating seems out of reach some days, but I know I'll make it through.  I know this is temporary.  

I know this is the beginning of a new year full of possibilities.  Without this struggle, I would lose sight of all the small intricacies that make my life beautiful.   I think this cancer is God's way of double-checking to make sure I want to be here, like a parent threatening to take back a gift from an ungrateful child.  I get it. And I will fight every single day with all that I have, to prove that I want to be here.  

The pain will go away.  The cancer will go away.  And 2014 will forever be known as my Year of Enlightenment.  It will be the year I started life over with a more grateful and empathetic soul.  For others that have walked a path of turmoil and struggle, and come out the other side as a better person, you have my greatest respect and admiration.

Savor every moment in 2014.    


  1. The year of enlightenmight- I like it! Praying nothing but life, abundance and good things for you this year! Oh, and ME! I want to SEE your face in person in 2014.

  2. Wonderful, self-reflective and though provoking words, indeed. Yes, let 2014 be The Year of Enlightenment! Continued strength, peace, healing, and happiness to you.

  3. eyes open, heart full, onward and upward!

  4. My prayers and wishes for your new year are that you will have the best year of your life, so far and that each decade will be even better. I am counting on you being around sometime in the 2030's!

  5. This is an amazing, inspiring post. I can tell you...this trial you're going through is not bad karma or a punishment from God. God gives us trials like this, not in spite of His love for us, but BECAUSE He loves us. To make us make us into the person we are supposed to become. This life is just a small piece of our eternal journey. The fact that you have found the kind of meaning that you tell of in this post shows that you are truly becoming the person that God knows you can become. And through your experience and increased compassion and empathy, you will have an amazing capacity to be able to help others through their trials as well. God bless you and your family through this time.