Anncredible: Good Riddance!

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Good Riddance!

It's been five days since my final chemotherapy and I'm feeling the full effects. I've been almost bedridden for three days, and the body pain takes my breath each time I move. My bones ache. My muscles all feel bruised to the touch. My skin feels burned. My stomach turns at the thought of food, but I force myself to eat. And in turn, I usually run straight to the bathroom to get sick.

My eyes have a blurry film over them, and I have to keep rubbing them to focus on the computer screen. I have to turn the TV on almost double the volume, because my hearing has been affected by the chemicals. There's a sickeningly sweet smell burned into my nostrils. Food has no taste, or all the wrong taste. When I add salt, it just makes things taste like dog food (not that I would know what that tastes like). And there are weird twitches everywhere. My left eyelid, for example, has been twitching for almost three weeks. I'm hot. No wait, I'm cold. Crap, I'm freezing hot! I'm sweating cold!

But you know what? I don't even care about all of that. I'm almost done. I'm free. Sure, I may have lingering effects, but really, how does that even compare to what I've been through. I made a comment on Facebook about how chemotherapy has become a security blanket. It's true. I trust it. I depend on it, because I know it's working. It's really hard to let go. Even though chemo beats me and mistreats me, it also provides a bubble of protection. It's awful, but I've grown to respect it.

Will I ever have to do chemo again? It's possible. That's the tricky business of cancer. We never know. I hope and pray that I never feel, smell, taste, or suffer that ever again. And right now, in this moment, I'm saying "goodbye" and not looking back.