For the past couple years, I have been travelling in the barrel of a giant wave, trying to keep my balance and sanity. I've been teetering back and forth, caring for the kids, struggling with my ex, and trying to maintain a personal life of my own. It hasn't been easy, but I have been patient, and kept my head up, looking for wonderful things towards the horizon.
Today, this emornmous wave has crashed down upon me. I have just been diagnosed with an agressive form of breast cancer. It has already spread, and I am still awaiting more testing to determine the extent. The bottom line is, it was not caught early. It's an awful feeling to know that something so destructive has been growing inside my body.
I am tumbling, gasping for air, and feel the full force of the shock. A million questions race through my mind. Could it have been diagnosed sooner? How long will I live? Will the children understand? How will I have enough energy to fight this when I barely make it through a day as it is? Am I strong enough? If I'm not strong enough, will I feel like I've failed my family?
I'm not sad. I trust that God has a plan. The only fear I have is of the things I do not know yet. But I know the answers will come in time.
As my friends, if you don't know what to do or say, maybe I can provide some insight. It's wonderful to hear that you're there to help. That's all I want or need. I don't know the answers to a lot of questions being asked right now. And I feel like I'm doing a lot of stuff to make other people feel okay about my cancer. "Don't worry, I'll be fine." Honestly, I really don't know how it's going to turn out.
I don't have energy to talk to the many survivors that people are offering. It's kind and generous to offer, but it's so stressful to me to try and make time for more people. I can barely keep up. I need time to process what is going on. I need time to wallow, for at least a moment, in what is taking over my body. I need time to figure out what my plans are, the what ifs, the challenges. I just need time and support.
If you are going to pray, pray for one thing only, strength. I do not question God's plan or ask him to change the course of my life. I trust that he knows what he's doing. I just ask that I am strong enough to handle what he gives.
This has been a relentless storm. I have taken a beating over and over, and I wasn't even standing upright yet when I was hit again. But I will fight as hard as I have to, for as long as I can. After all, I did say I was Anncredible.