Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Happenstance Roid Issues and Pride

I have rarely ever been single. When I break up with someone, it's been completely normal for me to start a new long term relationship within a couple weeks. There has always been someone there for me, adopting the traditional masculine role of taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, etc.

From the age of ten, I believed that the 50's housewife was the dream job of a lifetime.  Cooking and cleaning all day....raising the children... waiting for my man to come home and praise my hard work...  Seriously, I truly believed that was the end all be all.

Well, as it turns out, the idea is utter crap.

I bust my ass. This isn't going to turn into a bitch fest about how much I do and how much praise I should receive for doing an enormous amount of work to maintain my home, my children....blah blah blah....  We get it.  Any single parent knows how extremely difficult it is.  Add my son's health condition as a bonus, and it's enough to make my head explode some days.

Getting to the point, a couple months ago, I felt like I was drowning.  The stress of stupid ex drama and court was getting to me.  The stress of responsibility was getting to me.  I was exhausted all the time.  I had to force myself to do anything. I started having aches and pains, and I just wanted to sleep.  Please just let me make it to bedtime. 

For months, from Sept of last year, I felt this feeling of breathlessness, not even being able to walk 20 feet without getting winded, not being able to get through reading a book aloud to Eliah.  I started having pain in my abdomen, and I thought my appendix was causing a problem.  By October, I was starting to have heart palpitations and I was losing my hair by handfuls in the shower.  Well, no wonder with all the stress in my life!

At the beginning of November, I was actually convinced that I was having a heart attack, and I drove myself to the ER.  I don't even have health insurance, but I was convinced something serious was going on. $10,000 later.... Nothing.  No heart attack. No appendicitis.

I continued to have the heart palpitations, but they increased.  By March, they were starting to affect my head.  I would feel a flutter in my heart, then all the blood would rush out of my head, and I wouldn't be able to see, all the while feeling like I'm going to faint.  Not really safe for carrying around Eliah.

Then, in April, when I went to fill my thyroid prescription, the same one I've been taking for 13 years wasn't available (in fact, it was recalled).  And they had no idea when it would be back in stock.  Oh no!  The ONLY medication I take, and something I depend on every day, is gone.  Every single thyroid replacement affects you differently, so you can't just switch on a whim.

After another couple hundred dollars to meet with a doctor, and having my thyroid tested again, I went to the pharmacy with a new prescription in hand.  I was about to try a generic of what I had been taking for over a decade, and it was scary to take that first pill, because I don't take any medication lightly.  All have side effects.

It's been over a month now on the new thyroid replacement, and the difference is HUGE.  I mean HUGE!  I feel like a different person completely.  No more palpitations.  No more breathlessness.  No more aches and pains.

Based on how I feel now, I think I have been exhausted for many years.  I have endless amounts of energy and motivation now.  Am I bragging?  Damn straight.  I feel great. I'm happy and it's showing in everything I do.  And that brings me back to the being single part.

In the past month, I have not only been single, but I haven't even been looking.  I'm enjoying my new found motivation.  What seemed so overwhelming to me before, now feels like I can handle it with ease.  I have patience, tolerance, and energy to do anything.

I'm building things in the back yard, like my son's wheelchair ramp.  I've cleaned out every closet in my house.  I've organized, scrubbed, and sanitized every inch of my house.  I cleaned out my garage.  I installed an invisible fence for the dog, that required me to dig a trench around the perimeter of my half-acre yard.  I took my car to the shop to get fixed. I mow the lawn, killed weeds and insects.  I recorded every single one of my son's favorite books on video for him.  I re-caulked my shower.  I built an aquarium from a pile of pieces I bought on craigslist.  I'm about to install a zip-line in the back yard as my daughter's birthday present, then build a standing platform for her to reach the handles.  The list goes on......

I feel happy, almost giddy inside.  The negative things that are going on in my life affect me only temporarily, and I get washed over with a sense of pride for myself and what I've accomplished.  I'm not looking and waiting for the male role to come along.  I can do most everything myself, and it feels amazing.

I'm not in a hurry.  I like the way things are going.  It's nice to focus on the things that are important to me.  It's nice to focus on me.  I wish this happened years ago, but right now is a good place to start.   Go me.

My expectations are the ones I create for myself, and I've got big ones! (yeah, that sounded wrong)

1 comment: